No doubt about it. It can be discouraging when you wait for a guy to call you…and he doesn’t.
It was bad enough when you were younger waiting around for that dreamy boy in school or college to phone you.
But when you’re dating after 40 (or older) it seems even worse.
And there’s a reason for that…
The pool of eligible men shrinks more and more as you mature.
So it’s harder to find a quality man to have a relationship with.
And it can be more than that.
You’re at a point in your life where you’re more mature and more established. You know what you want.
Trouble is, you want “it” now. And “it” is a great relationship with a wonderful man.
You don’t want to wait.
Which Of These Dating Situations Have You Experienced?
Of all the problems women have with dating after 40, it’s the “Why doesn’t he call?” question that I see the most often.
Why he doesn’t call can be part of why he disappeared after a date (and never called again, even though his parting words were, “I’ll call you.”)
Or it can be why he didn’t call when he said he would…but eventually phones you.
Or it could be why he didn’t call when you expect him to.
I’ve already discussed why he disappears after a date and you don’t hear from him again.
It could be something you said or did that turned him off.
Or it could be something about him that makes him decide not to pursue you or a relationship with you.
There can be legitimate reasons why he doesn’t call when he said he would – and they might not have anything to do with you at all.
His reason could be work related.
It could be family related. There may be a family emergency or an illness in the family.
You have to keep in mind that at the very beginning of a relationship or when you’ve just met a guy, you’re not usually his priority unless he doesn’t have much of a life.
In most cases, you’re a small part of his busy life at this point.
He has his work, his friends, his activities, and his family – all of which (unfortunately) take priority over you.
The “I’ll Call You” Scenario In Dating
Let’s say, for example, he said in a casual sort of way that he’d call and you haven’t heard from him.
Two days later…no call.
Five days later…no call.
A week later…you pick up the phone…and it’s him.
Or here’s another real life scenario…
You “meet” a great guy online.
You email each other.
You message each other.
You talk on the phone.
And you get into a routine to go online each night to either message each other or talk on Skype.
It’s usually a pre-established time but if you don’t happen to make arrangements beforehand you still go on and he’s there waiting for you.
Only something happens one evening…
And he’s not waiting for you.
In fact, you can see that he’s online but he hasn’t come on to say “hi” to you or to “talk” to you.
Do You Say Things Like This When You’re Discouraged With Dating?
What is going through your mind when you don’t hear from him?
Probably things like….
> I knew he was too good to be true.
> Nobody loves me.
> I’m being dumped again.
> I’m not attractive enough to have a man in my life.
> I did something wrong that screwed up a promising relationship.
> I feel like a failure.
> I feel all alone.
And then you get mad at him.
You feel he has disrespected you.
You feel that you’ve been rejected.
You now accept that there won’t be a relationship.
Or, if you’ve been dating him for a short while, that the relationship is over.
After all, you think, if he really cared about me he wouldn’t leave me hanging. He could have at least picked up the phone.
And you nurse your wounds by saying you don’t need a man in your life.
Is Something Really Wrong With The Relationship?
It’s very easy to get into this negative thinking when in fact, there might be nothing wrong at all – at least from his point of view.
He may genuinely be busy and doesn’t want to phone you until his schedule is clear so he can ask you out.
Or he may want to give you your space not knowing that you miss him and you want to see as much of him as you can.
This isn’t about making excuses for him. It’s about taking a different perspective on things.
Let me ask you this:
If you were busy in your life, with your work, friends, family, and activities, would it matter so much if he didn’t call you within a day or so?
Chances are it wouldn’t.
Because you’d be busy. Your mind would be occupied with other things.
You’d let this promising relationship progress naturally – the way it’s supposed to progress.
Too often we’re in a rush to escalate a relationship instead of taking our time.
If you don’t hear from him and he disappears from your life then he’s done you a favor because he’s not right for you.
He’s saved you wasting time on him. So now you can move onto the next man.
You’re disappointed, of course.
You might have even had your heart set on this man.
So you’re feeling heartbroken.
But be thankful you didn’t waste months or years on him if he’s not ready for a committed relationship.
If you didn’t have much invested in the relationship you’ll get over your hurt quickly and you’ll be able to move on.
How A Smart Woman Reacts When A Guy Says He’ll Call And He Takes Longer Than Expected
…how do you react to his call when he does phone you (or in the online example, when he messages you)?
This really is the moment of truth.
This is where many women make a huge mistake.
And they kill any hope of a relationship.
By this time they’re all wound up and ready to lash back at him.
They’ve worked themselves into such a state of mind that they’re not thinking clearly.
All they want to do is lash back and make him feel bad about not phoning sooner.
So this is your opportunity to show him how you’re different from other women.
If you give him a hard time, he’ll either back off, distance himself, and eventually disappear.
Or, he’ll immediately be out of there.
You won’t hear from him again.
If you’re cold to him, he’s going to wonder what he did wrong.
And he’ll retreat.
He’s going to feel thankful that he found out about your true personality and how you treat him before things got more serious.
But if you’re cheerful and let him know you’re glad to hear from him, he’ll not only be surprised and pleased, he’ll immediately see that you’re not like other women he’s dated.
And that can be a good thing because it could lead to a wonderful, fulfilling relationship.
This is all about mindset and how you see things.
It’s about thinking positively instead of negatively.
What To Do When He Doesn’t Call
You now know what to do if he takes his time calling you.
So let’s recap what to do in the three situations I’ve described:
1. He disappears after you had an amazing date with him?
Sure it hurts.
Sure it makes you sad.
Sure it makes you mad.
But…it’s his loss, not yours.
There are other guys out there who are looking for a smart, attractive woman like you.
2. He doesn’t call when you says he’ll call?
Live your life.
Don’t focus on one man.
If he calls then make him feel welcome instead of scolding him and making him feel bad.
3. He doesn’t call when you think he should.
He doesn’t know when he “should” call you based on your “rules.”
Throw away those “rules” if you have any.
Do things you enjoy.
Keep your mind focused on other things in your life, not just one man.
It all boils down to living your life…and what your expectations are.
Because reality is, he hasn’t made a commitment to you. He isn’t part of your life…yet.
Right now he’s nothing more than a prospective boyfriend or partner.
If you are in a relationship, talk to him. Let him know what would be nice, not what you demand from him.
If you keep that in mind you’ll shield your heart from hurt and live a happier life.
And you’ll increase your chances of ending up in a happy relationship with a great guy because you won’t have turned him off with an attitude that scares guys away.
Why you get discouraged with dating after 40 is because you haven’t yet found anyone and you’re not in a loving relationship. But there’s no reason to let that overshadow your search for a quality guy and ruin your chance to have a wonderful man in your life.
Don’t get hung up on the “I’ll call you” promise that guys make.
If they do call you that’s an opportunity to see if things can go further.
If they don’t call you, that’s okay. You have a life to live and other guys to pursue.
As long as you keep busy, don’t focus solely on one guy in the beginning, and don’t let negative thoughts creep in, you’ll be fine.
And you’ll attract men who want to be with you and who want to please you.
Blaine Barrington is a Dating and Relationship coach who helps single women find their Mr. Right. He’s the author of the Girl Gets Great Guy System – The System That Cracks The “Guy Code” And Helps You Find The Man Of Your Dreams.
The Girl Gets Great Guy System is for the woman who has experienced any of the following:
– Is longing for a loving relationship
– Has had her heart broken too many times
– Intimidates men without meaning to
– Always seems to pick losers and deadbeats
– Wants to have more dates with quality men
Download Blaine’s FREE Special Report, 7 Best Places To Find Mr. Right, his exclusive list of places where great guys hang out.
GirlGetsGreatGuy.com – the site that gives dating advice to women and shows them how to find their Mr. Right – wishes to thank tijmen van dobbenburgh for the beautiful photo used in this article. Image credit: Love you (c) tijmen van dobbenburgh Image #510909 freeimages.com