“Your attitude can make or break a promising relationship. In this dating advice for women article I explain your choices if a man doesn’t phone you shortly after going on a great date with you.” Blaine Barrington, Dating and Relationship Coach.
When you meet a great guy and you’ve had a great first (or second) date you get your hopes up.
He seems to have many of the qualities you’re looking for in a guy. He’s attractive. He’s funny and personable. He’s interesting.
You think there’s a chance of a relationship and he might even be The One.
You’re willing to make him a priority and put most of your other activities on hold to get to know him better to see if things will develop.
Trouble is, you don’t know what he’s thinking. He may still be processing the date and trying to decide whether he wants to pursue things with you.
He might want to pursue things with you but his job (or other activity) takes precedence and time gets away from him.
And even if you think he could have picked up the phone or texted you or emailed you, some guys just don’t think that way. They put things off and before you know it a week or more has gone by.
You have to remember that with the first few dates – and until you’re in an exclusive relationship with him – you are NOT his number one priority unless he has virtually no life to speak of.
The first few weeks and even months are the “getting to know you” stage.
In the meantime, he has work. He has his friends. He has his activities and hobbies. He might even have a pet like a dog that comes before you (sorry to say that, but that’s reality.)
So you have to accept that you’re not a priority in his life (at least not right now) – you’re still someone he’s getting to know.
Admittedly, if he contacts you a week or two after a date, he’s either not showing much interest or he’s not very considerate.
But it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s not attracted to you and doesn’t want to get to know you better.
Why He May Not Have Contacted You
There are four possible reasons why he hasn’t contacted you after a great date. Your difficulty is trying to determine what the REAL reason is.
1. He’s a lazy dater and wants you to contact him. (This is a red flag. Don’t chase him. He’s the man and he should be chasing you. He could be egotistical and think he’s God’s gift to women and women should chase him. Or he could be lazy and doesn’t want to do the work that’s required to get to know you. Or he could be shy and be nervous about contacting you. You have to decide which of these options applies to him.)
2. He didn’t feel chemistry or a spark on the date and decides not to pursue you (There’s nothing you can do in this situation and it’s best to move on)
Sometimes a guy will say that he had a great time with you but in truth he didn’t feel any connection and while he thought you were nice he really doesn’t want to pursue a relationship with you.
3. You said or did something that turned him off (Again, there’s nothing you can do so you might as well look for another guy)
You probably won’t know if you did this or what you did to turn him off, but if you’re not getting a lot of second or third dates that could be a clue you’re doing something wrong.
4. There is a legitimate reason why he hasn’t called
An emergency or crazy work schedule or time conflict fall into this category.
Although rare, sometimes there are legitimate reasons why a guy hasn’t called. Be open to the idea that this might be one of those times.
Keep this in mind: A great date – and a promising relationship – can turn into a disaster depending on how you respond to him if he does contact you a week or two after the date.
3 Choices You Face If He Takes His Time To Phone You
You have three main choices if a man you’ve just dated doesn’t phone you within a day or two after a great date:
1. You can give him a piece of your mind, show him how angry you are, and blow him off. (Definitely a mood killer and a great way to ruin any chance of a relationship)
This is usually the reaction most women will have. They had their hopes pinned on this guy and he dashes those hopes away in an instant by appearing disinterested and taking his time to call again.
This is especially true with online dating – you develop a rapport with a guy, seem to be getting along well, message each other frequently so that it becomes an established routine, and then he disappears for a few days or his communication with you becomes intermittent.
You begin to wonder what’s up…and you get angry with him for “standing you up.”
2. You can ignore his call and not return his calls. (It’s a surefire way to get over him and move onto the next guy if you’re absolutely certain you don’t want to get to know him better.)
This usually signifies that you’re angry at the guy and don’t want anything more to do with him.
3. You can cut him some slack and pursue things with him to see where they lead. (Best choice if you’re interested in him.)
Sometimes it turns out that it’s worth giving a guy a second chance. Keep in mind that there may be a very valid reason why he took so long to get back to you – it could be work related. Or he could have been sick, or his children could have been sick.
How would you feel, for example, if you got angry with him and gave him a piece of your mind when in fact his father was gravely ill and he had to make an emergency trip to see his father?
Or what if he’s a medical student who’s on call at all hours of the day and night and when he’s free you’re not?
You have to show understanding about his circumstances. It’s not about making excuses for him, it’s about taking a step back and seeing things through his eyes.
Until you know the facts, don’t assume that he isn’t interested. Sure, maybe he is a lazy dater. If that’s the case then at some point you’ll have to politely tell him how you like to be treated…or look for another guy.
But don’t write him off completely – at least not yet – if you’re interested in him.
If the guy is a decent guy, you’re attracted to him, and it’s worth pursuing to see if he has boyfriend potential then when he phones be sweet and keep things light and fun.
What Most Guys Expect
Most guys expect that they will be chastised if they don’t phone soon after a date. If he does phone you and you cut him some slack and show him you welcome the opportunity to get to know him better you will stand out from the majority of other women.
If you chastise him, get angry with him, argue with him, try and teach him manners, or make him feel bad for taking so long to contact you after the date, then you won’t get a second chance with him.
If you are cold towards him and start playing games or you are not understanding then you’ve lost him. He definitely won’t pursue you.
Of course, he might be the type of guy who has you “in reserve.” In this situation, he dates other women to see if there is a connection with them.
You’re his “alternate choice” if things don’t work out with another woman. While this might not be very flattering to you, it may turn out to be to your benefit in the long run if he chooses you over other women. After all, we all choose one person over another when we decide to be in an exclusive relationship. And at this point, he’s not in a committed relationship with you so he’s free to date other women, just as you’re free to date other men.
Next time a great guy doesn’t phone you a day or two after a wonderful date and leaves you cooling your heels for a while, consider whether you want to get to know him or not.
If you do, keep it light and upbeat when he phones and see if a relationship develops. (But the next time you meet, let him know in a nice way how you prefer to be treated in the future without him thinking you’ve been sitting by the phone waiting for him to call – which is a no-no.)
The key is not to jump to conclusions until you know the facts because sometimes your assumptions can be incorrect.
If he doesn’t phone you then move on unless you decide to take the initiative to contact him…and find out once and for all whether he’s interested in spending time with you. (Be prepared for him to tell you he’s not interested. And if you do phone him and you get a cool “Oh, hi” from him, chances are he’s not that into you.)
Blaine Barrington is a Dating and Relationship coach who helps single women find their Mr. Right. He’s the author of the Girl Gets Great Guy System – The System That Cracks The “Guy Code” And Helps You Find The Man Of Your Dreams.
Download Blaine’s FREE Special Report, 7 Best Places To Find Mr. Right, his exclusive list of places where great guys hang out.